Things I'm Not Good At
by Haykatsi0o
Summary: Neil thinks about why he likes Todd so much.  My first ever attempt at first person!  Neil's POV.  Philosophical and preslash-ish.  NeilxTodd.


Sorry this is so crappy. I just felt like I should post something, since I've been reading so much fanfiction. (I should probably contribute sometime.)

I wrote this on a plane right after reading The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery. It made me feel really philosophical. *facepalm* I've also been thinking about Neil a lot. (I think it's because I've read about 4 suicide-centric books this summer.) SO! This is a little look into Neil's stream of consciousness. He's just kinda sitting around, thinking about Todd, and why he likes him so much. Uh? I don't know about you guys, but I think I MAY have just proven that NeilxTodd is DEFINITELY canon! *FLAIL*

Um. Since this is supposed to be what Neil is thinking, I tried to write in the vernacular (or at least not using anything that I don't use myself in everyday conversation), rather than having fun with adjectives like I normally do. The thing is, Neil is pretty smart (probably pretty studious with the vocab words) so I think he understands the connotations for words like "compatriots" (NOT the same as "companions".) On that topic, reconvention isn't a word, but it fits the flow of the sentence better than reconvening.

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**Things I'm Not Good At**

I'm not all that smart...

Well, sure, I'm _smart_...for all conventional purposes. Basically, all that means is I know how to do a lot of things. Not only am I maintaining a 4.0 at Welton Academy, which on its own is nothing to turn your nose up at, but I'm maintaining it while holding down the lead in a play at another school altogether. I can memorize – and grasp – Shakespeare, and I can balance a chemical equation. Hell, I'm even spearheading the reconvention of a covert organization, and with absolutely no indication in my grades. Actually, I'm a member of the damned National Honor Society. Academically, I'm pretty impressive. I'm destined, without a doubt, for the Ivies.

There are things I'm not all that good at.

Alright, I'm good at soccer, and apparently acting. I've helped at least half of my chemistry class with their labs, because I'm just that good at it.

For a while I thought I was even "good at" people, meaning, I thought I had some kind of talent for cracking them. I mean, I've always been the fulcrum of my group, and it's because I get how their minds work and they can feel it. Even if they might not know that's why they like me, it is. It's part of what makes me so magnetic. I'm even exceedingly "good at" adults. I can always handle myself well around them, because I know how they work – I know what they want.

The thing is, when I met Todd, he proved me wrong.

He proved that there are plenty of things I don't know, and plenty of things that I'm not good at. He proved that none of the things I just mentioned matter. Not in the grand scheme of things. Not when my happiness is taken into account.

Todd proved that I'm not necessarily good at people – at least not people in general –, and that I can't always know what they're thinking. Sure, I can crack my "compatriots" in this tiny Hell-ton nation I've spent half my life in, but since I met Todd, I've realized that my world is just that: tiny.

I'm not necessarily "good at" Todd. Don't get me wrong – we're really friendly with each other. Actually, I don't think I've ever been closer to any other roommate. And I'm pretty sure he likes me. No, "I'm not good at Todd," isn't the same as "We don't get along." It means that I can't for the life of me understand what's going on in his head. Ever. Because he's from outside of this tiny, predictable world I've grown so accustomed to.

What I Guess I'm Actually Thinking: And that's why I like him.

Todd is completely different from everyone I've ever known. He's unpredictable, and he's uncomfortable. Why the unpredictable is wonderful is kind of obvious. He keeps me guessing. All the time. And that's fun. He'll be so quiet and unassuming one second, and in the next _he_'s chiding _me_. For my own good, of course. Which is just another facet to the unpredictability. At first I thought _I'_ be the one looking after _him_ – this bashful...half-entity, but really, he looks out for me just as much.

But really, I think the uncomfortable is more wonderful than the unpredictable. He's uncomfortable in this Hell-ton universe, and that gives me hope, because he's uncomfortable in this world in a way that people who belong to it aren't. People who are supposed to be here are uncomfortable with things like individual people, or an individual idea. Todd is uncomfortable with this tiny sub-world in general. The dry severity and the Pomp and Circumstance of it all. It makes me realize that, if Todd is out of place here, there's somewhere where he came from that isn't like this, where he actually belongs.

Which is why I like him so much. He's the most interesting person I've ever met. Even if nobody else can see it, he may be the best, most alive person in this wasteland.

Actually, I think I'm glad nobody knows except for me. I get him all to myself. He's my secret escape from all of this monotony. It's gotten to the point where it's hard to be away from him. I don't think he knows how badly I need him. He's like that last pocket of air in a chamber filling with water.


End file.
